I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
