can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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