just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize