if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
