come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
