What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
