I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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