There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
