Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
