saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
