Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
