I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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