Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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