MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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