I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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