I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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