you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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