Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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