lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
