wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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