you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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