I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
