he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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