No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
