Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
