Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
