I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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