i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
