I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
