Four minutes until I can fart!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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