Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
