I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
