I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Randomize
