Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
