we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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