Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
