every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
