My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
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