found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
