I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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