Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
