I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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