Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
