you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
