bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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