Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Randomize
