i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
