My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
