Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
