I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
