She announced her abortion via fbk
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
