K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
