I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
