shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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