dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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