Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
