I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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