I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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