I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
