thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
