I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
