i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I think a kid would responsible me up
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
