The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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