I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
