Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
