True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
