I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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